It’s weird because I was so into you at one point recently too and now I’m over it. I don’t understand how I do that. Its happened all my life into it and then done. Either I’m disgusted I realize certain things and boom nothing. It’s kind of annoying in a way but I guess it’s also a good thing. I feel like I need to start looking into that

I’ve been doing so much better lately. I know not drinking all the time has a lot to do with it. I’m so glad my boss had me not drink while he was out of the country. A month did so much. At first it was a little hard not to but I guess I respected the man too much to break my word. I’ll still drink maybe every once in awhile. I actually like drinking but I know it’s no good for me physically or mentally

I keep holding on to little memories forgetting that people change I know I definitely have. People end up choosing different paths than what they’re use to and that’s okay. It just takes me by surprise I forget people have their journey as well and they change. Maybe it’s for the best. But it sucks when it’s the things that you admired about them that change and vice versa it’s just not on the same page. Different opinions different personalities unknown behaviors. Ill try though

I think I’ve been getting better like a lot I definitely have my moments but at least I feel things again. Happy sad mad I’m feeling them. And I’ll get crazy with them idc I just want them to stay. I’m tired and exhausted of that one place. Let me be a weirdo I want everyone to judge me idc anymore. I just want to be me again

I’m really tired for looking for some kind of peace of mind when someone just comes and destroys it. There is no point anymore. I keep trying to make things happen that will never happen. I’m just really tired of fighting

I sometimes feel like i should write you poems so you can see this little flame you created in me but I failed all my English classes and i dont know many words. So i can’t create this piece of art for you with just words. i can’t speak because everything i say i doubt and regret. I cant show my face because it shows all over me. And i feel like everything i do is taken the wrong way. But um i like you a lot immensely to a point that i dont mind if you don’t feel the same way i respect who you are what you feel and what you do. There’s this thing the buddhist say im not sure if it word for word but it says when you’ve found your soul mate you don’t get anxious you don’t get nervous you’re simply calm and im nervous around everyone i meet im anxious to talk im just anxious all the time but when im physically around you im calm im in some kind of peaceful state of mind. I don’t feel knots in my stomach my hands dont get sweaty i dont get the jitters. Instead i feel things blossoming in me i forget all these kind of issues i have because im just lost in you the things you say the things you do the things you create. I feel content in those moments. I don’t want to ever lose that so im okay with the way things are you know. Im okay that you dont want to talk to me all the time im okay that these feelings arent vice versa im okay with it is a little upsetting but i am okay with how things already are. I will continue being there for you. I may feel this way but i know that its just half of a painting i can’t create your half so really its nothing.

The guy that I had been seeing lied to me about his age. I just figured he was kinda like me older but a little childish. I kept wondering though so I went to his work place with him and asked how old he was and they said 17/18 like wth I’m 21. He told me he was 20. He said he was embarrassed to say the truth. I made out with a freaking 18 year old or 17 who knows. I really feel disgusted right now. Age is definitely a huge problem with me and liers I just can’t stand. All he said was” love don’t have no age.” I kindly let him know that he needs to respect me and I don’t want to hear any of that bad he did. I also let him know that we are not going to be talking anymore. I feel real dumb right now. But I knew there was something weird going on though.

Today is one of those days I haven’t had for a long time. I almost forgot how tears were formed. But this time a few came out. Suppressing something to the point like if it never existed and you become this plastic doll into believing that your life is okay and that you’re okay and everyone around you is okay is to much to take in all at once. Every method you’ve tried to cope never works. And you’re depressed all the time reality but in your head you believe that you’re okay but it shows in your face and everyone around you can feel it. And they’re the one who seem sad but it’s just you they get it from you and I don’t want to show that to anyone I don’t want anyone to feel the way they see me. I just don’t want to show my face anymore to anyone. I’m sorry to those who have seen me