I know I said this before but I want move on from you. It’s obviously so one sided I feel pathetic as hell but I just think you’re so freaking cool. Even though you’re literally a huge jerk. I just want you to be 100% And not fucking text me if you don’t wanna talk to me so I can get the point but you’re to nice to say you actually find me repulsive or something. And I don’t wanna be so up in your business. I think I’m just not gonna talk to you for awhile and see if you try to get in touch with me. If you don’t then I won’t ever try again and I mean that I think that’s a simple way but if it takes awhile I know for sure we’ll just be friends and I’m definitely okay with that. I just been talking to another man and he makes it very obvious that he wants me and he comes to see me and he flirts with me and he makes feel good he tries to get to know me. He looks at me like he’s really just looking at me. And I want to just see how things would of been with you before I explore these things with another person. Its not something like I wanna try you out. In my head it feels like we could actually be something. I just appreciate you’re originality and who you are you’re just unlike anyone i’ve ever met and you stand out. You’re so raw and that’s what I like most about you

I know you and I will never be I know that. But i cant deny that i love so many things about you. I think about you so often. you come in my mind everyday. I can trust you with everything. You’re just a great guy. Every time i hear something cool i want to tell you every time i hear a cool song or i see a cool piece of art i want to show you but i don’t always because i know its something i shouldn’t be doing but you’re the only one who cares about similar things as i do but i just keep sharing them with myself. I want to talk to you everyday but i don’t. I know where my line is even though we never spoke of the extent of us but i know you’re going through things and so am I. We are friends and that’s what i like most. You’re brutally honest with me but i know you care about me because you’re still even though i don’t know why you haven’t told me to go to hell. but you said when someone cares so much about someone they fight like brother and sisters but you assured me whatever fight we’ll still be okay and i hope that’s true. I just like so much that you bring the essence of home in this stinking town we both hate.You’re a breathe of fresh air so i cant just give up.I know I cant make you anything and i will never force you too but what made you fall for me before when we were younger

Good and Bad

Bad Traits

i get mad easily

im negative a lot

i dont know how be fake and pretend

i dont laugh much at peoples jokes

i am very defensive all the time

i trust absolutely nobody

i can easily not care at times

i can come off as very rude 

addictive personality 

i lose faith in everything

over exaggerate

not pleased at all with myself 

Good Traits

i have many morals

i would never purposely try to disrespect someone for no reason

i have good intentions to everyone  

i am very loyal

i see the right to things and ill defend that

i try as hard as i can possibly can even when i know i cant

i always plan for of a future with happiness

money has not corrupted me and never will

objects mean nothing to me

i care about things a lot until the point i dont

You’re kind of a big jerk sometimes so why do you try to keep in touch with me you write me even though I’m sure there is some part of me you dislike. I like you I do but sometimes I don’t want to talk to you anymore that’s in moments where I know I’m hurting myself trying to stick by you that’s the silence I carry. And you’re upset to for someobe who wasn’t connecting with you the way you thought I don’t think it’s like that for me. Because the opportunity hasn’t came to connect I try but you don’t. I think you’re scared I’m not exactly sure why but I think you are

I’ve just realized how fucked up my mind really is all the things I create that aren’t real or over exaggerate I didn’t even know it was that bad. I use to go crazy on how deformed my entire physical features are. But today I saw a picture that of last year that I always cringe at I looked so mutated or something but I saw it again and I didn’t see anything wrong with it. Its either I over exaggerated something that felt so real with or if I learned to except the flaws that they seem normal. Either way I’m so fucking happy about it. I’m so fucking happy I’m not bringing myself as hard as I do. I have my days but at least it’s not everyday. I really do feel better in my soul in general. I could never take back all the torture I gave to myself but I’m smarter now and I’m healing myself. And I’m so fucking proud of myself

july 4th i got into a fight with friends bf him and i were both really drunk.we were at the park and i didnt have any idea what was going on why he was arguing with everyone. we went in the car because my friend said he was embarrassing her. when we were in the car he kept arguing with everyone. then he said that she said before anything before we drank that he wanted me to come with becausehe didnt want to be the only one drinking and she got mad and said why doesnt she just have a baby with me instead. at first i was kinda hurt for her to believe that there was something like that even going on but i realized she was just being insecure with her bf. i dropped it. he kept back starting more problems calling her a bitch and hes the only one that works and he makes all the money and bringing her down constantly. my friend is a woman with so much pride and she just wants to be successful so i know those kind of things hurt her so i looked at her and she was already crying. so thats when i started saying stuff back to him. i just kept telling him to shut up he was being really rude and he was treating his gf with any respect but he continued so once we got to her apartment i told him that he wasnt going with us that he should call his dad. he kept coming up to in my face saying what the hell you gonna do you butch bitch i just said he looked ridiculous that he needs to go away but he kept back saying so much so grabbed his hat and threw it so he could go get it and my frien and i could just go upstairs and lock him out. but he threw his phone to the car and continued even more so pushed to back away from me and he pushed back and he kept pushing my friend down who is fucking pregnant and thats when i pushed him down even harder and i was getting her to go upstairs he came back when i wasnt looking and pushed me down then went up to justine and he kept pushing her down and hurting her and one of their neighbors came down to talkto him so i took that opportunity to take her upstairs and i locked the door so i went to the bathroom and when i got out he was in there again pushing her down again their roommate was there and told me what happened and i told he had to leave. i told him how could he do this to her when shes pregnant something could happen to the baby and said he didnt care so this whole pushing thing until we both got downto the ground and he started choking me i got him back then all i felt were punches on my sides and kicks justine got on his back and started pushing him it looked like she had no idea what she was doing i told her to get away so she did and him and i just kept getting into it stopped at one point so i went to wash my face i came back justine and her roommate were on the orch outside so i just asked how he is it that he could do something like that he said he didnt care i started getting mad. i honestly just couldnt believe how horrible of a person he was when at first i kept pushing justine that he was a good guy for her and i thought he was cool and we all got along so well so i kept pasing around and he said that he just doesnt give a fuck and what the hell i was gonna do then he said it me and i did three times in the face i didnt wanna hit him i kept not wantig to but i did and i went outside and there was blood all over my arm i remember seeing his face after i hit him and he was just looking down like his mind had gone somewhere else. when i was outside i just didnt know what happened to me i lost control of myself he came out and there was blood all over his face her roommate called the cops and they took him away the cops came and just said that someone beat him up pretty good and justine and her roommate felt safe when they were there. at first the next day after this scenario i felt glad that my small fists could make him bleed that was just one day that i did. i lost control of myself when i swore i wouldnt let it get to that again. i dont like to fight and i dont want to fight how can i put my hands on someones else face even if it was self defense. i had tried talking to him and i felt like fighting would of done better.he told her he was gonna press charges because he had to get stitches and i felt like it should happen me apologizing to him is something i cant and wont do im sorry it got to that point though. it was all for nothing me fighting he is back in there with her and she says shes glad this whole thing happened and that she would never get back with him. but i know her and i know what gonna happen its very predictable. i claim that she is my best friend and she says that i am her but i have to get myself out of this situation completely. she is gonna start her life with this man and i can not be apart of it. this whole thing has made me lose control of who i am physically and mentally and it would be good for myself as my own well being to just not invest myself into this. i cant just be there in silence when i see all these wrongs things and for me to just let it happen i cant i just cant know and i dont want to know.

i know i have little monsters but im not to far gone and im learning to be okay with them. there are moments when im genuinely happy. i know im not gonna be happy all the time or all day and thats okay. itd be insane to pretend that i can easily forget the torment from everyone and the torment i gave to myself. i know my mind  aint right when all i do is assume that these are all things i deserve when all i do is try to heal all the ones i care for. i been doing the complete opposite to myself. i been a contradiction. but everyday im growing and im learning new things about myself. i have bad traits but those arent things i created for myself. theres a lot of good in me too and theyre my own because thats who i want to be through out the days. im learning to be okay with the dark in me or not losing that light in me

i havent wrote in awhile but i feel like i should. i am not really dramatically feeling something for me to write but feel like i should. i am literally at peace kinda right now. im okay with myself. i havent been drinking like i always do ive been calming that down a lot sunday i sprained my ankle when i drank at my friends friend house. after a while of not drinking i realized how drunk i really get and im really “that” person but i get it now. i understand what its doing to me. its easy to mourn about things when you dont remember but right now at this moment i want to kinda get better from that i cant say in the future i wont fall down that same path again actually im not sure if i completely changed that path yet. i notice it i feel like i should it seems kinda bad but im not exactly sure. all i know right now is that i want to get my train of thought back you know have a long deep spiritual conversation with myself i feel like weed kinda helps me do that. im not ashamed to admit to myself that i do have a lot of pain that i havent completely been able to close off i thought i did  because the alcohol helps me forget. i did shrooms at the lake a couple weeks ago. it was nice i was entirely myself and i was in love with all the things i once felt passionate about. within time that passion went away im not completely sure why the art of growing up maybe. i like my age at the moment though kinda im old enough to know sometimes bad things happen and im old enough to want to feel better. all my life i been going through this process of getting better but i think i know what i need to do. i just been analyzing and understanding things. now i need to do things different and i want to. i want to get back to me and be able to be me and not feel scared of some kind of attack from someone or being humilated. i just want to live at peace