I’m really tired for looking for some kind of peace of mind when someone just comes and destroys it. There is no point anymore. I keep trying to make things happen that will never happen. I’m just really tired of fighting

I sometimes feel like i should write you poems so you can see this little flame you created in me but I failed all my English classes and i dont know many words. So i can’t create this piece of art for you with just words. i can’t speak because everything i say i doubt and regret. I cant show my face because it shows all over me. And i feel like everything i do is taken the wrong way. But um i like you a lot immensely to a point that i dont mind if you don’t feel the same way i respect who you are what you feel and what you do. There’s this thing the buddhist say im not sure if it word for word but it says when you’ve found your soul mate you don’t get anxious you don’t get nervous you’re simply calm and im nervous around everyone i meet im anxious to talk im just anxious all the time but when im physically around you im calm im in some kind of peaceful state of mind. I don’t feel knots in my stomach my hands dont get sweaty i dont get the jitters. Instead i feel things blossoming in me i forget all these kind of issues i have because im just lost in you the things you say the things you do the things you create. I feel content in those moments. I don’t want to ever lose that so im okay with the way things are you know. Im okay that you dont want to talk to me all the time im okay that these feelings arent vice versa im okay with it is a little upsetting but i am okay with how things already are. I will continue being there for you. I may feel this way but i know that its just half of a painting i can’t create your half so really its nothing.

The guy that I had been seeing lied to me about his age. I just figured he was kinda like me older but a little childish. I kept wondering though so I went to his work place with him and asked how old he was and they said 17/18 like wth I’m 21. He told me he was 20. He said he was embarrassed to say the truth. I made out with a freaking 18 year old or 17 who knows. I really feel disgusted right now. Age is definitely a huge problem with me and liers I just can’t stand. All he said was” love don’t have no age.” I kindly let him know that he needs to respect me and I don’t want to hear any of that bad he did. I also let him know that we are not going to be talking anymore. I feel real dumb right now. But I knew there was something weird going on though.

Today is one of those days I haven’t had for a long time. I almost forgot how tears were formed. But this time a few came out. Suppressing something to the point like if it never existed and you become this plastic doll into believing that your life is okay and that you’re okay and everyone around you is okay is to much to take in all at once. Every method you’ve tried to cope never works. And you’re depressed all the time reality but in your head you believe that you’re okay but it shows in your face and everyone around you can feel it. And they’re the one who seem sad but it’s just you they get it from you and I don’t want to show that to anyone I don’t want anyone to feel the way they see me. I just don’t want to show my face anymore to anyone. I’m sorry to those who have seen me

I spent all my life on something. As a teen I was into it all I smoked drank popped pills experienced hardcore drugs. It was all mostly in phases. After awhile I just stuck with drink I thought it wasn’t that bad compared to everything else. But at one when my depression kicked it in so hard I didn’t do anything I didn’t drink I didn’t smoke I didn’t eat I didn’t sleep I didn’t anything I just felt everything all at once I let my mind breath and it helped be strong I working out and I started getting out of the house every time I got the courage. I got a job people would flirt with me all the time. I was feeling good but the job got to me right in the first week so I started drinking again and I kept drink and its been over a year of drinking everyday and smoking weed. But I haven’t done anything this last month and I feel clean my mind is breathing again and it feels soo good. I can be who I am. Not this fucked up person. I like being this way but I know maybe tomorrow or another day imma find something that doesn’t want to make me think or go out and have a drink and see how good it feel. And the whole “I missed this feeling” thing. Idk how to be strong and irked what keeps me wanting to

I don’t know why the hell my friend isn’t talking to me. I am pretty sure I haven’t said anything to him. I’m kinda realizing somethings about him that I really don’t like but there are things I do but he doesnt care about me at all so what the hell is the point anymore people change for their own thing and I’m not gonna judge you the way you do me. We aren’t really friends much anymore and I have to accept that. It can’t just be one sided that’s not how it work so I’m just gonna detach myself from you. Just acquaintances. it’s not right for me to be there for someone who doesn’t want it.

Idk wth is wrong with me this time I felt the kiss but I just kept pushing him off. I don’t think I’m ready for this stuff. He wasn’t supposed to fall for me either. I just want to feel something for a bit. And not with just one forever. I just wanna have fun right now

I think I may be starting to like this guy it’s just nice when he’s around. He put some walls down and I can see him better. He makes me laugh. He likes things about me. That I really don’t like. Sometimes I’ll be mean to him Idk why I do that but he always stays through it. I guess we’ll continue getting to know more about each other. Until all the walls go down with us both