I’m giving my self a chance again. I know I given myself this once before feeling like I should of learned more from it but I’m gonna give myself that chance again but it’s gonna be different I’m not going to reset this time and start new. I’m going to continue this. I’m gonna leave my heart for everyone to see for everyone to see me to see my pain to see my fears to see my compassion to see my understanding to see me unraveled or put together but to just see me. For me to see myself. I tired of hiding. I hardly know myself anymore lying to everyone that even I believe them. That I’m strong that I don’t cry that I don’t feel that I don’t care. That no one can hurt me. Everyone has hurt me and I feel it everyday. This is the chance I’m giving myself to forgive myself to forgive everyone and continue. I don’t want to forget and restart. I want to go with it I want it to build me. I want to be me and continue the journey I started when the earth first gave air to my lungs. I’m going to give myself this chance to breathe again

Vulnerable

I’ve got really used to this. Laying in my room in the dark for hours sometime days forgetting how the sun feels on my skin or how the shivers of the wind feel in my core. There were days at night when I just sat outside and just looked up high in the sky and looked at each star individually and then all at once covered in the black sky that made me feel safe. It felt as every worry every doubt was gone. There was no me I vanished only the lights that glimmer against the hollow night was noticed. Sometimes I imagine many lives across this sphere of land and water. I close my eyes and I’m here as this little confused bug crawling around the dirt try to fit into the routine life has set out to be and I imagined in this other place there was none of that that. Life was different with only the feeling of being content. After awhile I’m always brought to reality. I don’t go out into the night as I use to I guess it’s because I know I can’t hold onto those moments. I’ve been trying to learn to breathe on my own and I been letting the waves crash me and I’ve been getting better at facing them with one eye shut but sometimes I forget it’s coming and my eyes are closed once again.

It’s time I have a conversation with my dad. Today will be a simple. I want be out of this house when I have a serious one. Yesterday he came to where I was and basically embarrassed me telling my friends to stay away from me. I’d understand that if I were 15 years old or something. But I’ll be 22 in four months and he missed his chance to try being a father I’m glad and I appreciate that he cares enough to do that but I’m a grown woman I make my decision and if I want to go out with friends that I haven’t seen in awhile and drink that is my decision. It’s nerve racking to even picture myself having a serious conversation with him but it needs to be out there and he needs to understand that

I feel that I have multi personalities or something. She I lived in California I was this tough bad ass chick and positive. In Miami I was this sexy Hispanic girl. Now here in Vegas I’m just in the desert I feel like I should have a piece of twig in between my teeth. Everyone from all these state’s the culture the personality are all different and they’ve definitely shaped me. Me not wanting lose my culture of me from my hometown or the confidence I carried in Miami. And the moral change in me from the quiet. Its getting a little difficult. I want to leave this state or country where no one knows me and reinvent myself

Some days I have a lot to say and some days I have nothing to say. I thought about you for a brief moment today. It was a little different from the ones I’ve recently had. It was when about when we were kids well not really kids it was from 8 years ago. They were good and bad memories all at once. Us racing our friends with you on my back while I tripped and squashed you like an ant. You telling of your secret boyfriends outside of school. I thought of that moment when I told you I was getting throw out school from all the mischief I created and that I had to go to Vegas and join my dad with my younger siblings while my mom waited in L.A with my brother so he can graduate hs you ran to me as soon as I stepped out of the dean’s office and cried because you know that was the last straw I had there. And that moment it felt good because you just hugged me and let me know how much you cared of me having to have in absence in your life. I remember the last day I had there I went to see one of our friends and hung out with her in the beginning of the day and when I came home we had a big kinda going away party with my family. You came after everyone left with you dad and your sister. just you and your sister stepped out though. You’re dad stayed in the car. Till this day even how long ago it was I remembered what you wore. A short jean skirt and a blue hoodie. I remember my green collar shirt I wore because you kept poking my books and said it made my boobs look big and we just laughed. We kinda just looked at each other for a moment with kinda this thing that it’d be the last time we’d see each other. You always did this thing that you did but never said it straight up but you did this time. You told me to listen to Brown Boy please don’t go away and you gave me a note right before you had to get in the car and leave. I gave You a big hug and read it as soon as I got back inside the house. I remember those good days when were the best fucking friends and everyone was just jealous of the real genuine friendship we created. There has only been a couple times I was able to see you after the move and the few time you came to see me. I remembered them all. Every time I saw you again it was like we never left we talked of the same things got mad at each other for the same things. We remained best friends for all those years. And now we’re not friends at all. When we first just gave up on our friendship I gave on myself as well to stubborn to really admit it then but it hit me so hard and from that I just hated you. So I drank everyday that I woke up not wanting to feel anything all because it all just broke me. Everyday until today I hated you but today I miss you sooo much. But so much time has passed within the years of us evolving as women with not having one another physically around that we just stood tall without each other knowing we learned to survive without the other we either having something to say to each other or nothing at all. And right now if I saw you again it would be nothing at all

It’s weird because I was so into you at one point recently too and now I’m over it. I don’t understand how I do that. Its happened all my life into it and then done. Either I’m disgusted I realize certain things and boom nothing. It’s kind of annoying in a way but I guess it’s also a good thing. I feel like I need to start looking into that

I’ve been doing so much better lately. I know not drinking all the time has a lot to do with it. I’m so glad my boss had me not drink while he was out of the country. A month did so much. At first it was a little hard not to but I guess I respected the man too much to break my word. I’ll still drink maybe every once in awhile. I actually like drinking but I know it’s no good for me physically or mentally

I keep holding on to little memories forgetting that people change I know I definitely have. People end up choosing different paths than what they’re use to and that’s okay. It just takes me by surprise I forget people have their journey as well and they change. Maybe it’s for the best. But it sucks when it’s the things that you admired about them that change and vice versa it’s just not on the same page. Different opinions different personalities unknown behaviors. Ill try though

I think I’ve been getting better like a lot I definitely have my moments but at least I feel things again. Happy sad mad I’m feeling them. And I’ll get crazy with them idc I just want them to stay. I’m tired and exhausted of that one place. Let me be a weirdo I want everyone to judge me idc anymore. I just want to be me again