Im soooo tired and im getting sick of this. I dont want to be up at this time thinking of the same shit over and over and over and over. Im just really fucking tired. I need to sleep i want to sleep i dont want to be awake right now.

Idk why i keep this fascination of love with literally everyone. I fall so deep in getting to know people the comfort of them soothes me and makes me feel that my ideals are completely off. I need to meet someone different who changes this same trend i keep creating.

I need to keep drinking. I need something to not remind me who i am, i need something to erase all my memories, i just need something that doesn’t break me down like my mind does, i need something that doesn’t make me think. I want to forget everything everyday. I hate being this way i hate all these wars that go inside of my head. i need something

I think i like you and i think i like you a lot im not sure but i spent years trying to figure it out if i do but ive only think of the stuff why i shouldn’t. Like when you loose it and i get stuck in this tornado you made I’ll go with it because i know me saying something will stir it more but i like that passion you bring with it. I hate that i told you i never thought of us when you laid your heart out but how could i ever ruin the stuff we created from a friendship. But the truth is i hate it when you make out with all these guys and you’ve sexually physically and emotionally left yourself vulnerable to hands and hearts that will never really embrace your figure and the rawness of you as i probably would. Lets just say lately i havent been able to shake you out my head.

Im really getting bored with life. I bored of going to work im bored of the same conversations. Im bored of reading books i am bored with watching t.v im bored with meeting new people im just bored with everything. Nothing gives me any excitement. Ive lost every motivation i have. Im just going through the same routine of life. Breath money people and death.

So far being 21 I have dated an army soldier, a traveler, a musician, a drug dealer, the hot bimbo, a gym rat, and an orphan. The soldier use to take me out to the desert and watch the stars. The traveler took me to parts of this city i have never been before . The musician serenaded me to sleep. The drug dealer protected me from everyone, the hot bimbo always waited for me, the gym rat spoke very smoothly, and the orphan showed me off to everyone. But the orphan had trust issues left me each time we weren’t together but came back when he’d see me. The gym rat seduced me but lost me for not being able to express what he wanted besides the great sex. The hot hot bimbo stayed through the tough times but she never understood what exactly what was tough. The drug dealer never left my side he suffocated me until i had no friends. The musician played and played and cared so much but the passion she tried to give to me was given to the music instead. music without words made me assume. The traveler would see me everyday and gave me all the time in the world but selfish enough to not let me know that its part of the traveling journey one day there next day gone. The soldier who’d take me out to watch the stars gazed for years because he couldn’t sleep at night so scared he needed someone to share it with, anyone who cared. I entered their world but none bothered to enter mine.

I swear if i died in the ocean id be happy. Its nothing suicidal. Its just ever since i moved i know what i missing living in California and Florida the only thing i care and think about is the beach. Its weird idc w.e its that fucking best

i really dont get how i keep losing all my friends i just dont. i think all i really do is care and i do if not they wouldnt be my friend in the first place. and fuck that once i actually spill my feelings towards something im considered a bitch. just because my opinions arent the same im annoying. i have my voice now im not just the one who listens anymore. its better though because i have my friends who respect the stuff i have to say even if they dont agree and if there is a problem we work it out. i dont need anyone selfish in my life so if you want to go go ahead im not gonna die without you. and no more will i even think there is something wrong with me because i know there isnt im the best self i ever been in a long time.

Its 3am. I woke up at 9am so thats not bad considering i drank a lot the night before. It was an okay day today actually chilled with my buds started drinking at 12 watched them jam probably 10 we all called it quits the liquor is out of my system now. Its weird being sober not rambling nonsense and we’ve all got so use to the same conversation we just talk shit. I think im past that point as well. I really dont find shit talking so amusing even though i talk a lot of it. Just drink to drink by now. Just shit getting dimmer and dimmer. How can i get back to the roots of myself. everything seems like its getting back to the place that i really dont wanna go its scary thinking of it i dont wanna go through the whole thing of pulling myself back out. On top of that im more than sure im loosing my job. Howd he find out i lied about being sick on Saturday. And now my friend isn’t even responding to my texts messages how am i supposed to kindly let him know that he was being snotty i attempted though maybe he was surprised i actually voiced my opinion on some shit he says. My younger siblings keep calling me an alcoholic. My little brother keeps asking when ill be home and when i am im too drunk to hang out with him. My little sister is kinda giving up with the insults i just dont have much to respond to that. My older brother just wants to know if i have a couple bucks im sure he keeps wondering why my friends havent hit him up. Im sure he’s kinda realizing that they’re my loyal friends. And shit my mom is just glad im home and sobered up and when im going back to work. My dad is just looking for recruits on his plan to set me up for whatever he makes up in his head. Im just here in my mind most of the time not giving a crap. But how can i still not give a crap without going numb?